Hey, El Bastardo (joke)

[jazzbluescat]

These have been around a while ..but , why not again ?

DRUMMER OFFENSES & Fines


NAME OF DRUMMER: __________________________________

DRUMMERS REAL NAME: _______________________________
(other than "sticks", "backbeat", "snake", "drowned-out" ... etc.)


DATE OF OFFENSE(S): _____ / _____ / _______

Setup / Equipment Offenses:

[1] Brings a 36" bass drum........................................$25.
[2] Has more than one bass drum...................................$100.
[3] Brings a 10" deep snare (for a solid back beat) ..............$50.
[4] Brings more than 2 mounted toms ..............................$25.
[5] Has a tubular chrome bar that holds all his mounted toms .....$50.
[6] Brings more than one floor tom................................$25.
[7] Brings more than one crash cymbal ............................$25.
[8] Doesn't bring a ride cymbal...................................$250.
[9] Brings a 46" Chinese gong (for big endings)...................$75.
[10] Brings two timpani (for really big endings)..................$100.
[11] Doesn't bring any brushes....................................$300.
[12] Has a hi-hat that is welded shut.............................$250.
[13] Asks leader where he can plug in his headphones .............$200.
[14] Wears old black Nike sneakers on tux gig.....................$50.
[15] Tunes snare drum during the benediction......................$175.

Playing Offenses:

[1] Plays eighth note rock ballad style on "Stardust".............$150.
[2] Pretends to read chart with big band..........................$25.
[3] Actually reads drum part for big band (note for note).........$200.
[4] Asks bass player "Where are we?" on "Happy Birthday"..........$100.
[5] Plays disco beat on "A Train".................................$200.
[6] Takes fours on "The Bride Cuts the Cake"......................$100.
[7] Takes a break when the leader says "A request for Take 5".....$25.
[8] Actually tries to play on "Take 5"............................$150.
[9] Asks leader what brushes are..................................$250.
[10] Plays breaks in "Cute" with sticks.............................$50.
[11] Plays breaks in "Cute" on timpani............................$100.
[12] Plays breaks in "Cute" on Chinese gong.......................$250.

Other Miscellaneous Offenses:

[1] Mentions to host that "DJs are the wave of the future.........$100.
[2] Is first in line at the party's buffet........................$50.
[3] Asks where the "take out" are at the buffet line..........$100.
[4] Asks the bartender for 3 "Purple Shooters"....................$50.
[5] Says to the bride "You've got a nice set of hooters"..........$25.
[6] Says to the brides mother "Hey this is a f#%*in' good party"..$150.
[7] Is ten minutes late for the next set..........................$25.
[8] Is twenty minutes late for the next set.......................$10.
[9] Never shows up for the next set...............................$1.

 

[El Bastardo]

On setup, I'm guilty up to $50. Penalties could be high for playing offenses. On miscellaneous offenses, nada. Laugh all you want, but I'm of the opinion that if the band's drummer ain't up to snuff, you won't have a good band. (And that goes for almost everything 'cept for bluegrass and opera) Do you think Coltrane would have been half as good without Elvin propelling him along? Miles without Tony? Parker (and Dizzy) without Roach? What if the dude from Hootie and the Blowfish (Sonny something-or-another) was all you could get in a drummer? Can you imagine A Love Supreme with Sonny laying down fours? How about Rush's YYZ or Freewill with no fills? Think about it....

 

[jazzbluescat]

Yeah yeah yeah

'Tis true, we're in the hands of drummers. May the Lord hep us.

 

[magnus]

I'll tell you this much. Sonny Sonefeld is like the worst of the 'famous' drummers. His name recognition went up about 75% just for not wearing a shirt.
But the thing is, I've played with a lot of the guys in bands in this area who came up around the time Hootie was getting big. Dude's got no chops, his bottom end isn't anything. Just go with a damn drum machine if you're going to get away with that shit.

 

[jazzbluescat]

Shit, I don't want this humor thread to turn sour, nor do I wanna pick on drummers, per se; but, when Alabama first started out the "drummer" couldn't play. They had to hire a player to record. [I happen to know this player.] I mean couldn't play, not good enough, but nada.
I just ain't gonna get into it any further....

 

[magnus]

hehehe...ringo...

I'd love to be in a situation like that. Get put into a band, get told to learn an instrument, and go. I'd love that.

 

[Village Idiot]

Originally posted by jazzbluescat
Shit, I don't want this humor thread to turn sour

Well alrightie then.........

What does a Mexican and a cueball have in common?

The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.

 

[jazzbluescat]

Originally posted by magnus
hehehe...ringo...
I'd love to be in a situation like that. Get put into a band, get told to learn an instrument, and go. I'd love that.

It looked to me like it was a bunce of friends that got together, some could play, some couldn't, and decided to form a band, a stone business/friends thing, music was secondary, by far.

Well alrightie then.........The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.

Might get the shit out of'em, too.

 

[El Bastardo]

hehehe...ringo... I'd love to be in a situation like that. Get put into a band, get told to learn an instrument, and go. I'd love that.

I think you're thinking of the Monkees. Ringo could play and was a session guy in London before his turn with the Beatles. The others played in skiffle bands in the 50s.

Sonny Sonefeld is like the worst of the 'famous' drummers.

Yeah, dude sucks ass! But damn, he got paid! Here's my bastardized Hootie lyrics: "Cause I more more money than youuu....."

Shit, I don't want this humor thread to turn sour, nor do I wanna pick on drummers

The thing with drummers is that their mistakes stick out so much, if they can't keep time, it makes the whole band sound bad. If they want to solo during a balad, it ain't gonna cut it. But, when you have a great drummer, it's like gold.

 

[magnus]

I wasn't saying Ringo was taught how to play because he joined the Beatles. Of course, I'm probably fucking myself by saying unsure things to a drummer, but the thing I'd heard was that whoever was the drummer before that, was a lot better drummer. Still, when Ringo was asked to do a lot more in the mid-70s, I didn't get the impression he was bad. Not extremely great, either, but nonetheless competent.