Black&Black
Delivering Smiles
Like most New Year's Resolutions, most if not all of these are total bullshit wishful thinking, but it's just pure conjecture and pure fun. Disagree with me, please.
- I'd love to fire Dave Gettleman. I'd also love to eat Megyn Kelly's ass. Since neither of those things are likely to happen, it's not even worth lobbying for. It's funny about Gettleman, though. He likes to talk down to people in the media, like he's a wise old sage, but he's only been a GM for four years. There are people 15 years younger than him, who have been doing it for twice as long. He's been a boiler room personnel guy forever, but those guys really don't matter. This is the first season he's really had to face the music for awful decisions, with no sub .500 division title to hide behind. His theory about shutdown cornerbacks pretty much took a missile to the dick this year. Hopefully he shows some humility, learns from his mistakes, and makes better decisions going forward. Probably wishful thinking, but whatever.
- I really like our defensive scheme. We do a great job of manufacturing pressure. It's really remarkable that we've lead the league in sacks without any alpha pass rusher. I wouldn't change much in the scheme, just fill in the gaps on the roster. Guys like Leonard Johnson, Boston, Colin Jones, and Klein are special teams types who shouldn't be playing defense unless there's a catastrophic amount of injuries. We've had way too many scrubs on the field at the same time over the years. Get some fucking depth. I also still think we need that Alpha Bull pass rusher, since I don't think you can realistically expect to scheme up this many sacks two years in a row. Addison is great for 3rd downs, but we need an every down Bull who can eat some shit up constantly on the edge. CJ has become an outstanding run stopper, but there's no pass rush juice left there.
- Pressure Mike Oher into retirement, recoup that salary, and get a fucking franchise left tackle. I'm sick and tired of this fucking bullshit. Do you want your quarterback to die on the field? I have no idea who we should get (trade for Joe Thomas) but I know that we need to improve. I'll settle for Remmers at RT, but you need a real fucking left tackle, you fucks.
- Get some receivers who can get open and catch the football. Isn't that a good idea? Ginn can get open, but can't catch. Brown can catch, but doesn't get open. Benjamin and Funchess do neither, and rely solely on their size to have any usefulness whatsoever. Those guys shouldn't be on the field at the same time unless it's near the goal line. There is a word for big guys who are eligible receivers - it's called a Tight End. Knock off your myopic focus on "size". Does Gettleman have a micropenis complex? Yeah, Probably. These receivers fucking suck. We got away with it in 2015, but when you lack talent, the league figures out ways to turn that into a fluke. Get some fucking talent on offense. Olsen is awesome, Stewart, Kalil and Turner are good players, and Norwell is a passable starter at guard. The rest are either backup level, or a fucking pile of trash.
- Saying goodbye to Tolbert would be the right thing to do. He's washed up. However, I keep telling myself that if we can keep shitty Richie Brockel on the roster for four years, we can keep a washed up Tolbert for one more. He can still contribute on special teams and play emergency depth on offense. Plus, it's Tolbert. I know it's an emotional decision, and I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth when it comes to getting better, but I want that fat fuck back for one more year. What I would definitely do, regardless, is find an upgrade over Dickson, and use more 12 personnel (that's two tight ends). I loved what we did in '11 with Olsen and Shockey. Get that shit going again. At the very least, FIND A TIGHT END WHO CAN FUCKING BLOCK. JESUS CHRIST! WILL WE EVER HAVE A BLOCKING TIGHT END! What kind of a supposed "power" running team has tight ends who can't block?! Find a god damn blocker to compliment Olsen, so you don't have to leave him in the backfield on 3rd down so often. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus Christ.
- Fuck, I just remembered we have Mike Shula. God damn it. If you're not going to fire that fucking idiot, hire a "passing game coordinator" or whatever you want to call it. Someone who can come in and inject some new ideas. The passing game is on life support, and it's not all Cam. It's a holistic problem. We have to get that shit fixed, obviously.
- I still believe in Cam. I think we underestimate the hangover effect that he must have been dealing with after the Super Bowl, having the entire planet on your ass for weeks. Having the media on your ass for no real good reason. Having an Elvis Pressley type following. I know he brings a lot of that on himself (SAFARI) but the dude has to deal with shit that people like you and me will never understand. Get back to the drawing board, work your ass off, get your completion percentage back to an acceptable level, and stop dressing like a faggot. Give him some better fucking players to work with, and a better scheme. When Mike Tomlin fired Dicknose Arians, he did so because that vertical, Rex Grossman fuckface offense was rapidly ending Big Ben's career. The Steelers have somewhat of a blueprint we can follow, in terms of dealing with the back nine of Cam's career. Have some shit built into the scheme that helps Cam get the ball out quickly, and get some easy completions with run after catch. He's still a great hammer for short yardage and goal line, but his days of carrying the ball 10+ times a game need to come to an end. Let's fucking fix this shit.
- I don't care about the close losses, I really don't. Look at the Lions now. They ran out of close games to win. Good teams outplay close losses. That doesn't provide me with any optimism. However, I do think we can get this going again if we add talent. This league lives to pull teams back to .500. Would you be shocked if we traded places with a Miami next year? I wouldn't. Unless you have Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, or Aaron Rodgers, it's always going to be an up and down endeavor. Just go out there this spring, spend some fucking money, add good football players, and see what happens. Make the necessary changes, but don't overextend. This is still much better than being the fucking Browns or Rams.
- I'd love to fire Dave Gettleman. I'd also love to eat Megyn Kelly's ass. Since neither of those things are likely to happen, it's not even worth lobbying for. It's funny about Gettleman, though. He likes to talk down to people in the media, like he's a wise old sage, but he's only been a GM for four years. There are people 15 years younger than him, who have been doing it for twice as long. He's been a boiler room personnel guy forever, but those guys really don't matter. This is the first season he's really had to face the music for awful decisions, with no sub .500 division title to hide behind. His theory about shutdown cornerbacks pretty much took a missile to the dick this year. Hopefully he shows some humility, learns from his mistakes, and makes better decisions going forward. Probably wishful thinking, but whatever.
- I really like our defensive scheme. We do a great job of manufacturing pressure. It's really remarkable that we've lead the league in sacks without any alpha pass rusher. I wouldn't change much in the scheme, just fill in the gaps on the roster. Guys like Leonard Johnson, Boston, Colin Jones, and Klein are special teams types who shouldn't be playing defense unless there's a catastrophic amount of injuries. We've had way too many scrubs on the field at the same time over the years. Get some fucking depth. I also still think we need that Alpha Bull pass rusher, since I don't think you can realistically expect to scheme up this many sacks two years in a row. Addison is great for 3rd downs, but we need an every down Bull who can eat some shit up constantly on the edge. CJ has become an outstanding run stopper, but there's no pass rush juice left there.
- Pressure Mike Oher into retirement, recoup that salary, and get a fucking franchise left tackle. I'm sick and tired of this fucking bullshit. Do you want your quarterback to die on the field? I have no idea who we should get (trade for Joe Thomas) but I know that we need to improve. I'll settle for Remmers at RT, but you need a real fucking left tackle, you fucks.
- Get some receivers who can get open and catch the football. Isn't that a good idea? Ginn can get open, but can't catch. Brown can catch, but doesn't get open. Benjamin and Funchess do neither, and rely solely on their size to have any usefulness whatsoever. Those guys shouldn't be on the field at the same time unless it's near the goal line. There is a word for big guys who are eligible receivers - it's called a Tight End. Knock off your myopic focus on "size". Does Gettleman have a micropenis complex? Yeah, Probably. These receivers fucking suck. We got away with it in 2015, but when you lack talent, the league figures out ways to turn that into a fluke. Get some fucking talent on offense. Olsen is awesome, Stewart, Kalil and Turner are good players, and Norwell is a passable starter at guard. The rest are either backup level, or a fucking pile of trash.
- Saying goodbye to Tolbert would be the right thing to do. He's washed up. However, I keep telling myself that if we can keep shitty Richie Brockel on the roster for four years, we can keep a washed up Tolbert for one more. He can still contribute on special teams and play emergency depth on offense. Plus, it's Tolbert. I know it's an emotional decision, and I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth when it comes to getting better, but I want that fat fuck back for one more year. What I would definitely do, regardless, is find an upgrade over Dickson, and use more 12 personnel (that's two tight ends). I loved what we did in '11 with Olsen and Shockey. Get that shit going again. At the very least, FIND A TIGHT END WHO CAN FUCKING BLOCK. JESUS CHRIST! WILL WE EVER HAVE A BLOCKING TIGHT END! What kind of a supposed "power" running team has tight ends who can't block?! Find a god damn blocker to compliment Olsen, so you don't have to leave him in the backfield on 3rd down so often. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus Christ.
- Fuck, I just remembered we have Mike Shula. God damn it. If you're not going to fire that fucking idiot, hire a "passing game coordinator" or whatever you want to call it. Someone who can come in and inject some new ideas. The passing game is on life support, and it's not all Cam. It's a holistic problem. We have to get that shit fixed, obviously.
- I still believe in Cam. I think we underestimate the hangover effect that he must have been dealing with after the Super Bowl, having the entire planet on your ass for weeks. Having the media on your ass for no real good reason. Having an Elvis Pressley type following. I know he brings a lot of that on himself (SAFARI) but the dude has to deal with shit that people like you and me will never understand. Get back to the drawing board, work your ass off, get your completion percentage back to an acceptable level, and stop dressing like a faggot. Give him some better fucking players to work with, and a better scheme. When Mike Tomlin fired Dicknose Arians, he did so because that vertical, Rex Grossman fuckface offense was rapidly ending Big Ben's career. The Steelers have somewhat of a blueprint we can follow, in terms of dealing with the back nine of Cam's career. Have some shit built into the scheme that helps Cam get the ball out quickly, and get some easy completions with run after catch. He's still a great hammer for short yardage and goal line, but his days of carrying the ball 10+ times a game need to come to an end. Let's fucking fix this shit.
- I don't care about the close losses, I really don't. Look at the Lions now. They ran out of close games to win. Good teams outplay close losses. That doesn't provide me with any optimism. However, I do think we can get this going again if we add talent. This league lives to pull teams back to .500. Would you be shocked if we traded places with a Miami next year? I wouldn't. Unless you have Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, or Aaron Rodgers, it's always going to be an up and down endeavor. Just go out there this spring, spend some fucking money, add good football players, and see what happens. Make the necessary changes, but don't overextend. This is still much better than being the fucking Browns or Rams.
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