2013 Pre Season YEAR IN REVIEW

Leading up to the draft, it's leaked by Deadspin that Jerry Richardson has given Gettleman the green light to do anything and everything possible to win now. Gettleman trades 2013 2nd, 4th, 5th and 6th for 2013 late round first with San Fransisco. Trades 2014 1st and 2nd for New England 2013 1st. Trades 2015 1st and 2nd and Greg Olsen's wife for Cleveland 2013 1st, and finally trades Kraken and 2016 and 2017 1sts for Kansas City's 1st overall.

This sets the stage for the epic Cardiac Cats 2013 season, but first, there are those four games in the pre season.



Chicago @ Panthers - Rivera talks a lot about his pro days in Chicago, admits to wishing he could be the head guy in Chicago, and later calls it a miscommunication.

Overall score - Chicago 27 - Carolina 10

It's a close game, but with the starters in, it's a 10-10, with 1st overall selection of the 2013 draft Kenny Vaccaro taking Cutler's head off with a clearly intentional helmet to helmet hit, suspending him four games into the regular season.

Cam Newton calls out Shula after the game, saying they should've implemented more read option. Shula says the team will learn from their mistakes and go back to the drawing board against Phili. Rivera says things should be kept in house, and then calls out Steve Smith for talking shit on other receivers.

Manti Teo registers 27 solo tackles and 12 assists in clean up time, along with a sack and 2 interceptions prompting fans to call for 59's head on a stick. Ted Striker gets on the phone and begins calling Manti, posing as a woman who's dying from sickle cell anemia.

Jon Beason breaks his hip, but keeps playing, posting an impressive 12 tackles and a forced fumble while injured.

EJ Manual puts up a horrible performance in the 4th quarter, posting an overall rating of 22.6. Fans call for the pickle, who routinely moved the team into the red zone, but threw interceptions each time.

Rivera in the post presser says the starters played well, and he feels good about the season.



Panthers @ Philadelphia - Ron Howard tells his defense he'd go to the foxhole with them every time, hoping it pumps them up for a dominant performance. Sharrif Floyd throws a desk through the chalk board, and anoints himself BLACK ODIN, and breaks Dwan Edwards cheek bone in a pre game scuffle.

Overall score - 20-3 Phili.

With the starters in, it was hard fought, with it being left at 10-3. Cam Newton rushes for 254 yards but coughs the ball up while reaching for more yards 3 times in the first quarter alone. Throws a pic - 6, but got to do the Superman pose when Tavon Austin caught a brilliant pass for 6 yards that he laterals to Steve Smith for an amazing highlight reel touchdown.

The rest of the game is a wash, albeit with Clausen continuing to show promise, regularly driving the team down the field, if not for the awful red zone INTs. Fans begin demanding we trade him while he's hot for 3 first rounders.

Manti has yet another dominating, if not moot performance, posting 37 tackles, 4 INTs, 3 FFs, and a crushing hit that ends Nick Foles' career. Rivera in his presser admits that he's intrigued, and says that if he posts another performance like this, 59 may have to take the bench, or move into Beason's spot on the strong side.

Manti tells the press he's moved forward from the awful scandal, and that he's seeing someone who is truly sick, and that he;s falling in love with her.

Rivera blows off unrest, with an 0-2 record so far. Gettleman reminds the media that with the addition of Sharrif Floyd, Vaccaro, Austin and Teo, that Rivera has all the tools to succeed, and he expects him to.

Rivera reminds everyone that the starters faired pretty well.



Panthers @ Baltimore - Cam Newton says on ESPN pre game that he better not get franchised, and that he expects to be paid the highest in the league. Says he's always loved the bigger cities, and admits he's purchased property in New Jersey.

Tavon Austin predicts a Panther win and says it begins with toppling the former Superbowl Champions. Steve Smith tells him publicly to start learning the playbook before talking to the media.

Overall score - 35-34 Baltimore

Cam is yanked from the game as he puts on another one of his prime time performances with 38 yards passing, 2 pics, and 4 fumbles.

Clausen takes the reigns and powers us to a dominating 34-3 lead at the half.

The rest was an abysmal display, as EJ Manual had a horrible outing. Notables - Manti Teo racks up 56 tackles in garbage duty, an INT, and 4 FFs.

Jimmy Clausen says he expects to start wherever he winds up, and that he's open to staying in Carolina. Cam Newton blames Shula for not utilizing his skills right.

Rivera is confident after the loss, and says he expects a perfect regular season record.

Ron Howard anoints Manti Teo the new starter at MLB. Jon Beason is replaced at SLB my 59 again, even though he has continued posting impressive numbers with a broken hip.

Manti Teo makes the front page of SI as a hero for taking on the love and hardships of a dying woman with sickle cell anemia.


Pittsburgh @ Panthers - Floyd gets into another pre game fight, ending the season of Frank Alexander, prompting Rivera to suspend him for the entire regular season.

Overall score - 28-0 Pittsburgh.

Clausen starts the game, posting an unimpressive rating of 22.6. Cam fairs no better, essentially mailing it in, throwing grounders, sliding after a few yards on his scrambles, and mopes off the field relenting to Anderson and Manual to try futile attempts at moving the ball.

Manti Teo posts 1 tackle in three quarters as the starter, and cites the death of his girlfriend after the game. Ron Howard insists he'd go to battle with his guys any day, and reminds the media that his side is better than Shula's side of things.

Rivera giggles in the presser, and says he's confident moving forward, being that this was the only game the starters didn't get blown out.

Panthers begin preparation for the epic 2013 regular season.

 

This could have went in the bold motha f-Ing prediction Thread

 

pure golf

 

You're shitting me.

Wait. What does that mean.

 

Well the team needs to make it epic in order to keep Rivera's job beyond 2013!

 

Pure gold. That was some first class lulz.

 

Could you post a CliffsNotes version of that?

 

Lol, sure.

Panthers go 0-4 in preseason.

 

What else is pure gold?

Is that I really thought you got some slick ass slam on me with the pure golf thing. I asked my girlfriend what pure golf meant...surely it was a saying I just hadn't heard before....well she told me it was DISC GOLF...throwing frisbees in holes or some shit. So I googled it. Nothing, except Tiger and Jack and folkes.

So I was resigned that McJeff took a genius shot at me that I had no idea what it meant. Thought I'd been had, and just had to accept it.

Now that....is pure golf.